home | archives

secret moments

when i can't access my pen and paper

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

why do unwanted emotions creep in you at stressful times? i don't understand.
i wonder if he misses me as much as i do...

.: posted by me 7:40 PM


Tuesday, July 23, 2002

an unsent letter

reasons why i think i've done the right thing:
1) more often than not, i don't like the way i am in front of you. the way i act and talk.
2) i struggle with deeply hidden insecurities when i think of you or when i am with you.
3) i see so many differences. 'though people say these are complementing factors, i'm learning from wiser ones that they can potentially become big problems. i want someone who can enjoy the things that i enjoy.
4) you need to mature. in many aspects. so i think.
5) you are not ready for a commitment that i expect. you can just disappear like you often do.


so these are the outstanding reasons that comfort me moment to moment.
do you know how much i want to call you?
miss you, a

.: posted by me 9:26 PM


yay... this is only for me to access. no one will know. unless s/he's a stellar hacker.

i've wanted to write in my own journal for awhile but couldn't scrounge up the time to do so. not only that, lethargy or apathy to do errands hit me hard recently. too many things on my mind. too overwhelming, i guess, that TMJ resurfaced and half of my face has tingly sensations.

right now, i miss him. i know i can fight this. over time. and i won't indulge on emotions for people not worthy of me. but it is hard to fight one's own emotions by one's own effort. so i pray once again that God will protect my heart for he's a keeper of that too. and that He will not let it be bruised once again.

i've been learning alot about marriage. seeing my parents and their struggles that stem from human frailties and differences, i'm starting to see the difficulties of "becoming one" living together as a couple. *sigh* but there's also a beauty of it too... i guess my parents are missing out on that right now. i pray that God will heal the wounds already afflicted, the bitterness, the hurt so that His love that has covered all human sins will abound in our family once again. i pray....

and i pray that we find the house sometime soon. like this week.

" Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails and the field produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,

yet, I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.
The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:17-19

.: posted by me 3:22 PM