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when i can't access my pen and paper

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

btw, today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of lent.

anyone out there thinking of following the customs of lent this year? i might give up a few things and commit to a few things. maybe.

.: posted by me 2:36 PM


Sunday, February 26, 2006

just going to have a verbal spewing of my emotions.

currently listening to will pavone's For you name. i love this song.
just read a few blurbs of tod phillips' blog. a man gripped by God's truth, annointed to preach the word with power. reading his excitement over God's working in his life, only puts me to shame. when was the last time i was reflecting upon His greatness and the fingerprints in my daily life??

i've become so calloused, living daily on my own. this have been for some time now. i'm frustrated. sad. like a runner whose physique has deteriorted so badly that he can only walk a few yards each time and rest. like a poet who had a stroke and can only stutter a few words of intelligence now. i used to thrive in God's presence in my life. have songs of praise at the tips of my tongue. if i can't sing, i would at least hum. have my line of calling to Him always open. using Todd's analogies, my cell phone was always open with Him on the other end.

what happen to the girl that was all pastors' favorite? who would be eager to worship her Father on Sunday mornings, sit in the front row to have as little distraction as possible during service and just embrace his presence, his washings of my sins, his grace. why am i someone who fears to talk to him now? even feel inadequate to call him Father these days. gloss over the bible as if there's nothing for me to gain. praises do not come from the depth of my heart even though i try. i want to go back.

i know the problems. and even the solutions. i can logically map out the problems and answers in my head. but my heart and my actions don't follow. purely out of laziness and denial and fear. no other excuses. acknowledging the Christ in me since my salvation, and surrendering to the Spirit that's still living inside me, seem so easy but so hard to obey.

but the time is ticking and i should do soon.
because the Truth isn't something that I can deny or change or tweak to my comfort. and really, it's even to my favor. i just have to look beyond my frailties and accept.

incidently i read this today. an excerpt from Oswald Chamber that i pasted to my journal.

July 7, 2001
"Enter by the narrow gate . . . . Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life . . ." (Matthew 7:13-14).
If we are going to live as disciples of Jesus, we have to remember that all efforts of worth and excellence are difficult. The Christian life is gloriously difficult, but its difficulty does not make us faint and cave in -- it stirs us up to overcome. Do we appreciate the miraculous salvation of Jesus Christ enough to be our utmost for His highest -- our best for His glory?
God saves people by His sovereign grace through the atonement of Jesus, and "it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13). But we have to "work out" that salvation in our everyday, practical living (Philippians 2:12). If we will only start on the basis of His redemption to do what He commands, then we will find that we can do it. If we fail, it is because we have not yet put into practice what God has placed within us. But a crisis will reveal whether or not we have been putting it into practice. If we will obey the Spirit of God and practice in our physical life what God has placed within us by His Spirit, then when a crisis does come we will find that our own nature, as well as the grace of God, will stand by us.
Thank God that He does give us difficult things to do! His salvation is a joyous thing, but it is also something that requires bravery, courage, and holiness. It tests us for all we are worth. Jesus is "bringing many sons to glory" (Hebrews 2:10), and God will not shield us from the requirements of sonship. God's grace produces men and women with a strong family likeness to Jesus Christ, not pampered, spoiled weaklings. It takes a tremendous amount of discipline to live the worthy and excellent life of a disciple of Jesus in the realities of life. And it is always necessary for us to make an effort to live a life of worth and excellence.

.: posted by me 7:13 PM